It feels a bit weird writing this. It feels weird to think that we used to basically be attached at the hip, and now we’re pretty much strangers to each other. For me, I never fully got the closure I needed. To me, our friendship ended on (somewhat) bad terms.
The last time I reached out to you was at the very beginning of this year. I tried to explain that I was struggling mentally/emotionally and still held on to some negativity regarding our, for lack of a better term, situation. I wanted to meet and just get it all off my chest and you said you’d let me know when you were free over the next couple weeks. You never got back to me.
I kind of thought that even though we weren't friends, if one of us was really struggling, we would still be there for each other. Nobody should feel as if they're struggling.
I think our friendship started to strain a bit when we both found ourselves in serious relationships. I know it was NEVER intentional, but it just started to feel like a competition. I didn’t like that - especially when I still felt a bit insecure in my relationship at the time. It felt like a game of who’s boyfriend was better and who’s relationship was better. I just wanted us to be happy for each other.
It didn’t help that I wasn’t the biggest fan of your boyfriend. Maybe it was because your relationship had a weird start and I didn’t think he could be trusted. Maybe it was the way he acted. It didn't help that he just seemed to be everywhere. Maybe I just thought you could do better. I guess I didn't really know if it would last even. You guys are still together now and I can honestly say that I am happy you found someone who makes you so happy. I've changed my mind about him a little bit - he can be a decent guy.
It was also shortly after that I started my ‘grown up’ job. I was very proud of myself for getting that job. However, having a full time job, meant that I didn’t have as much time to hangout.
A lot started to happen and life took over. My dog was diagnosed with epilepsy and it was very bad (she’s doing a bit better now, thanks). She started talking a lot of medications at specific times and was in and out of the vets. It was pricey. Anyone who knows me, knows that my dog is my baby. I literally refer to her as my daughter and I was really distraught over her epilepsy.
My parents were gone pretty much every weekend that summer, so I had to stay home and watch the dogs.
My BF and I were going through a weird rough patch and my anxiety really came out around that time.
Of course, I felt bad for not being able to do things. And it honestly was because most of the time, I didn’t have the money or the time.
It got to a point where we both stopped trying to hangout. I was too anxious to tell you what I was going through and how I felt about our stupid ‘competition’. Maybe I should have told you. Maybe you could have asked me what was wrong instead of instantly labeling me as a bad friend. If I had told you what was going on, maybe you would have understood. I don't know.
It was catty. We talked about each other behind each other’s backs. We said mean things. We both felt the same way. But I also learned quickly that 2 is company and 3 is a crowd. When you’re in a trio of besties, shit is going to go down. Nothing you say is (probably) truly safe.
I remember a few months later of not talking, we got into a fight over messenger. You called me immature and all this other crap. I apologized for hurting your feelings, but (not so) funnily enough, you told me I didn’t deserve an apology because you didn’t do anything wrong. Here’s the thing though. You need to realize that you can unintentionally hurt peoples feelings. You can’t just dismiss what someone is trying to tell you. Honestly, that made me so upset. We both hurt each other. We both deserved apologies.
I guess we talked here and there because we have a friend in common. Part of me really missed you as a friend and wishes we could be friends again. Looking back though, parts of our friendship were so unhealthy. There was too much. I’m still going through a lot and dealing with my anxiety, so I know it wouldn’t be good for me. I know that we would never go back to how we were before.
Part of me is still waiting for that apology - the one I’ll never get. If I ever got one, I would be happy and very surprised.
We still have a lot of common, like our love of Harry Potter, but we've also changed a lot too. I can't speak for you, but I like to think that I have matured and grown into more of an adult now. My partying phase is long over. The version you knew of me is over. But know that I am happy. I'm so happy with who I am, my BF, my life, everything. Despite my anxiety, I try to make the best of everything.
On Facebook you seem happy. I hope you are. You deserve happiness. I honestly mean that.
However, if I see you in public, don’t be surprised if it’s an awkward hello or if I downright ignore you. I’m not trying to be rude. You’re just another stranger to me now.
I realize that we have mutual friends and if we're ever at the same get together... well that's a bridge we'll cross when we get to it.
Take care.
I am sorry our friendship ended this way (but it's better than other dramatic alternatives),
