Let Me Catch You Up to Speed

Not my image - just perfectly explains how I've been feeling

Wow, it's been awhile.


Life is hectic and not gonna lie, my stress and anxiety were really getting the better of me for a little while.


Let me catch you up to speed.


My anxiety was really getting me down for awhile. I was feeling really down over so many aspects of life. I was feeling anxious about my relationship, myself, my work, finances, my friendships from the past. Basically life in general.


On top of that, my aunt has been fighting a very long battle with cancer. It's been a roller coaster for her health. I'm really sad to say that we all think the end may be coming soon, which is so heartbreaking. One thing about me is that I do not do well when people are sick. I can't stand to see someone in pain or not be themselves. It makes me feel terrible.
We went in to visit one day and honestly, I had to leave the room before I had a full on panic attack. Seeing her there like she was, made my head spin and I felt so sick.


I don't know if anyone else feels like that, but I feel guilty for going out and having fun when I know someone we love is suffering. It doesn't feel right. Not only is my aunt suffering, but the whole family is too. My mom and all of her siblings are having such a hard time with this and doing all that they can.


What makes it extra hard is that almost exactly a year ago, we went through the exact same thing with my boyfriend's aunt. A year apart, we're reliving the same thing.


To make life a bit harder, one of our cats is sick too. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am so emotionally attached to my pets.. it's probably not the healthiest. The vet doesn't know what's wrong with her. Somehow the pathologist couldn't decide if it was a bladder infection or a tumor. Those are very different things - how could you not tell the difference? She's on antibiotics but they don't seem to be helping.


I'm scared that we're going to lose both of them. It's making me feel so anxious and stressed and sad.


So for the past two months especially, life is not being the kindest to us. I'm not going to lie, I've spent a lot of time feeling sad and crying and having breakdowns. I'm trying my best now to do what I can to look after myself as well.


Like the lyrics in the image say, I feel like I've been tested. I'm determined to come out on top though.


I'm going to try my best to post content on here for you guys because it really does help me feel better.


If anyone else is going through a rough time, my heart goes out to you. It will get better for the both of us in time. That I'm sure of.


If anyone ever needs to talk, feel free to email us and we would be glad to listen.


Talk to you soon,

My 5 Year Plan

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my future and how I want it to turn out. This year I'm turning 25 and I'm not gonna lie, it terrifies me. It makes me feel pressured to figure out how my life needs to be and how it needs to turn out. Obviously I can't control the future (although how cool would that be?), but I do have an idea of what I would like to happen.

It's weird to think that when they were this age, most of our parents were married, had kids and had their career ready. These days at this age, we're just starting our adult lives and still have to figure everything out. Thinking about the future is scary because there's so much that's unknown, but it's also exciting to think about all of the possibilities. 

I have no idea how life will turn out even if I have some sort of plan. All I can do is try my best to make sure I get what I want out of life.

Right now my main goal is to start my career. I had a great office job that I liked, however, I lost my job. The building closed and as I wasn't permanent (had to work 5 consecutive years) and since I could not re-locate, I was on my own to find a new job. I really want to find something that I enjoy and I can make a career out of. Who knows that it'll be, but that's my goal for this year.

I live at home (so does my BF) and we would really like to buy a home. We don't want to rent because we figured all of that money could be put to better use. A house is expensive though and saving that much money isn't easy. We're trying though and we're really hoping that withing the next 5 years we will be able to do so.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years (tomorrow!) and have discussed getting married one day. I know that this is something that I cannot control and who knows if and when it'll happen, but I'm hoping that it will. I have to say, that him and I make a pretty good duo.

All of this is kind of a stepping stone for having a family one day. We've discussed it and we would like to have kids one day. I'm personally hoping that that will happen around the time that I'm 30. I can say that, but it really all depends on when we're ready for that to happen. It's a major step for anyone. I know that we're not ready yet- nowhere near. But sometimes when I see a family, I just think that I want that one day. I want to have a family and do family activities.

Over the next 5 years, I really want to get my life together and settle into being an "adult". I want to feel like I finally have my life together. To feel accomplished.

Like I said, I know that this is stuff that I don't have total control over. I'm going to try my best to make it happen - what I can. And hope that the rest will fall into place.
Those are big goals, but all in all, I just want to be happy and healthy. I want to find my place in this world and truly get my life going.
I want to have love, friendship, travel, good health, happiness and memories. And puppies.

 It's pretty easy to get hung up on the future and forget about the now. I need to remember that while I'm working towards my future goals, I need to live in the present because these are the moments that I'll look back on.

I realize that this isn't the normal "5 year plan" like some people have- where everything year is planned out. These are just my dreams.
Do you have a plan for your future? What do you see it looking like?
Let me know in the comments below!

Until next time,

Happy bawlidays!

Five and a half hours. It doesn’t seem that long, does it? It’s only half of my average work day. If it was an afternoon lazing around reading, it would go by in a flash. But it’s a world away from my family. I don’t drive, and the Greyhound only runs once a day, in the morning, so I don’t get to see them very often. Sometimes my heart aches with how much I miss them. This feeling comes out more than ever during the Christmas holidays, or as I call them, the bawlidays. Working as much as I do, at a business that’s open 365 days a year, I haven’t gotten to go home for Christmas since 2012. With three siblings, two of which have kids, and aging grandparents, they can’t exactly pack everyone up and come here either.

I already battle with depression, so being alone during the holidays is extra difficult. It’s not December if I haven’t cried from loneliness at least once. To combat this, I’ve spent Christmas with a multitude of people, a whole host of saints who’ve taken my sorry ass in. From friends to coworkers to boyfriends, to one memorable year where I made Cornish hens for a roommate I barely knew, then we ate them in silence before gorging ourselves on cookies. I then topped the night off by getting very drunk off mini airplane bottles of alcohol with my boyfriend at the time. My Christmases have gotten better since, with the last two years being spent with my amazing boyfriend’s family, but the point is, I’ve always made a point to make my own Christmas cheer.

A few good ways to combat the holiday blues when away from home:

1. Have a holiday get together. I always make sure to make time to go out with friends around the holidays. You can do a gift exchange, or just go out for a tasty meal. Last year, a few of my best friends and I did a gift exchange and a couple rounds of bowling, and my roommates and I went to Denny’s to exchange presents. It was a great time, and definitely lifted my spirits.
2. Bake some cookies and listen to Christmas music. This one is pretty self explanatory. I grab my favourite cookie recipe, and my copy of Barenaked For The Holidays from The Barenaked Ladies, which is, in my opinion, the best Christmas album ever, and away I go! It instantly lifts my mood. Add a good glass of wine, and you’re really set.
3. Get outside. I understand that when it’s miserable, and slushy, and cold, the last thing you want to do is go outside, but it honestly helps. Getting a few gulps of cold winter air can really help clear your head.
4. Treat yourself. I love to treat myself to little things around the holidays. A tin of my favourite Tims Hortons peppermint hot chocolate, or those delicious seashell shaped Belgian chocolates that everyone sells around Christmas are two of my favourites, but it could also be a pretty new red lipstick, which is very seasonally appropriate, or a cute new sweater to wear to those holiday get-togethers. Whatever small indulgence you want, do it!
5. Make sure to have plans on Christmas day. Whether it’s going to someone’s house, volunteering, or even picking up a shift at work, I highly recommend making some kind of plans. Some of you may prefer to spend the day alone, but I couldn’t imagine it. It warms my heart to spend it with others.

My heart still hurts being away from those I love, especially my grandparents as they get older, and my niece and nephews as they grow up and have more excitement over the holidays, but I’ve come to the realization that since I can’t be home, making my own joy is the best thing I can do. I hope this is of help to anyone alone this year. If you need to reach out as we slide into Christmas, please do. We’re always here and we love you all!